Dealing with rejection and criticism

Being told you are lousy is no fun. Frankly, it can turn a person into a hermit. I have two things to say about this.
Thought #1 -- Don't do to others what they are doing to you. It's so easy once you're criticized to figure that is the way things should be. And so to your subordinates, students or anyone, you do what you've seen done to others and yourself. Criticize, and then rationalize it as just being helpful.

Not true. I know. If received and I've dealt a plenty. Does that mean if someone you're responsible for (student, child, subordinate worker) needs to change that you say nothing? Sometimes. But at other times the person needs some help. Here's the key: your arm. Yep, that funny thing hanging off your shoulder. Take that arm and put it around the person and let them know you care. The prime rule: no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

I've judged a number of artistic endeavors. At one opera festival in Austria one of the judges actively sought out each singer and told them what they were doing wrong. She was quite proud of herself. I saw a couple of the singers the next day and they were livid over the criticism. Should they have been? Hey, they're human. And that is how unsolicited criticism is almost always received.

Here's a letter I wrote to my children many years AFTER I should have known it. One daughter, after reading it said, "Okay, who are you and what have you done with my father!?" I'm glad she had a smile on her face but I knew if I'd known these things as a new father I would have done a better job. Of course I can't argue with the results as all of our children are wonderful. Here's the letter:

Dear Kids,
About criticism. I’ve done too much of it and have some thoughts on it in reflection.

What I learned most from negative criticism is self-loathing and personal despair. Once over that I stumble forward none the wiser but more cautious.

Those who wish to teach using negative criticism only fool themselves into thinking it is teaching in route to learning.

Learning comes mostly from emulation. It's how we learned to walk, talk, sing, and live.
“I've heard it said we learn more from our failures than our successes, but I'm not so sure.

Failures are filled with angst, depression, cynicism, skepticism, contempt and loss of confidence.
Yes… Failure is a part of life, but well worth leaving behind as quickly as possible. Visiting the caverns of failure should only done after positive experiences have led us to understand we are of value.

Perhaps in tranquility we can then stop for a moment at the cavern of failure, peek inside and pull out something of use for later.

Should anyone seek to shove us down into that dank cavern of despair through words of criticism, to make sure we learn from our failures, we enter unarmed and at the mercy of the bowels of negativity.

Instead, journey forth to the springs of eternal life and sip from the clear pools surrounding it. Take others with you. Encourage them as if they were already there.

Kind words. Thoughtful encouragement. A mansion can be built upon a tiny foundation if positive thoughts are the concrete and steel.

As those thoughts mature into actions, the foundation magically increases and soon becomes rock solid and a far larger platform than the loftiest mansion may need.

As the shingles of positive thoughts are applied to the roof, no longer are the hailstorms of negative criticism allowed to damage the mansion's gossamer draperies and plush carpets.

I've considered criticism and conclude that I welcome all criticism so long as it is filled with love and adulation.

Love,


Your Dad (my favorite title)